My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
