I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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