Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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