just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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