im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
