When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
