I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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