You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
