Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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