I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
