Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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