woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We need to get me chipped asap
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