I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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