I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
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