Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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