He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
