four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
