Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
