youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
