I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
