He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
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