I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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