i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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