legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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