tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
