K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
