turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
