just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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