I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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