By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
