imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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