i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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