I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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