the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
