i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
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The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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