imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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