and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
