My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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