Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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