ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
