I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
