just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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