Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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