I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
