Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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