Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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