You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
