you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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