tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
