I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
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