My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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