I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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