Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
