My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
