Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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