he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
