Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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