I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
