His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
