I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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