i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
