Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
