I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
